He must be awfully hungry...

"Birds aren't retarded. They are very smart. They regurgitate their food and they feed it to my dad."

"Aw, man! I guess we don't make good gang members."

boy: "What makes a gang member?"

girl: "Weird hats."

"Did I just poke myself in the eye with my own finger?"

"You look like a giant coat monster!"

(I shut a door a little too hard in between two classrooms.)

In the next door classroom, boy 1: "Mrs. Johnson ANGRY."

boy 2: "J-dog SMASH."

"Mrs. Johnson, is the zombie apocalypse an actual thing?"

ET Phone Home...

"E.T. has a home phone?"

"I was sick. You know- cough cough, sneezity. Cough."

"Ew, I just touched something green and sticky."

boy: "At least my mom didn't make me wear her high heels."

"Look, I'm putting a new spin on the name tree hugger!" (hugs tree)

girl 1: "Mrs. J, what would you do if one of us fell out of the car?"

me: "I suppose it depends on where, and when..."

girl 2: "And who."

"When I go out Sasquatch hunting, that's where I'll look."

"You are my worst enemy in the history of space and time!!!"

Don't we all?

"I wish I was Buzz Lightyear."

"Is that a vampire penguin wearing a diaper with three eyes and a cape?"

"I think my dog likes history."

They'd be awfully difficult to read...

"What if books were birds?"

"I am going to be at a tsunami-safe beach."

"(in my dream) I see a giant wave, and then it ruins the whole trip, and then I die, which kind of sucks too."

"Maybe death should die."

boy 1, while I'm lecturing: "Oxiclean."

girl: "Random."

boy 1: "Billy Mays."

boy 2: "He died."

"Oh blue whale, this hurts!"

"I wonder if Mrs. Johnson will still talk to me if I become an ornithologist."

"It's an industrial wigwam!"

(In someone's textbook, they wrote this caption): "Granny-dog."

(while spinning in a chair, speaking in a British accent) "Everything mooves fahstah when you have a British accent!"

"It was like pink and red and grossness mixed together."

"My mom has bowties? Well, my dad used to have hair."

"That caterpillar looked like Ozzy Osbourne."

"I may as well just not show up that day if you're going to make me be a nun."

"Hold on, let me get my monocle."

A play on words... all of them.

"I think that 'facitious' is 'fa-sheesh'."

(boy 1 mentions Turkish pirates in a presentation.)

boy 2: "Don't you mean jerkish pirates?"

"That was an awkward one, but everyone clap anyways!"

"What's a floppy (disk)?"

"Marshy- like a marshmallow, you know? Just trying to add some humor."

Is that all it is?

boy to me: "This is how a wrinkle in time works." (Fold piece of string.) "See?"

"Is Indiana a state? I thought it was just a city in Minneapolis."

"Dramatic music for this dramatic moment!"

"Say goose, for Pete's sake!"

"It's a pinky petticoat!"

boy 1 to me: "Thanks for correcting me. My mouth was..."

boy 2: "Mouth.exe has stopped working. Would you like to send an error report?"

boy 1: "Um..."

boy 2: "Install updates."

boy 1: "In November, I will update to age 13."

"(His) fist.exe is ready to launch!"

boy 1: "What does that word mean?"

boy 2: "It means that my vision is super. I have super vision!"

"People are so distractifying."

"He can go jump in a mud puddle."

"(He) is Sir Num-Nums."

boy 1, to me: "You're to fast."

boy 2: "And furious."

"I watch it because it's after Tyra. Which, in my opinion, is better than Oprah."

"I have super vision!"

You don't say...

"I just pulled my Einstein out on you. My noodle. Spaghetti. Fettuccine. "

"(The prize) is love. You can't sell that on eBay."

"Traitor yourself, you traitor!"

"You don't eat dynamite. Unless you want to blow up."

me: "Who can think of an example of a compound noun?"

boy: "Taxidermist."

me: (quizzical face)

boy: "I don't even know what it means."

Um... what?

"Oh my gosh, that was so last week."

"Did you know that gorillas are scary?"

"Sock monkeys are the WORST."

"She's got a black-diamond encrusted fork."

"If you blow chunks on me, I will fork you in the face."

"It's a snake in a hole in the ground! Crazy!"

"But pigs have little chubby arms..."

boy 1: "Wait, girls don't have Adam's apples?"

boy 2: "No, they have Eve's apples. Yeah, Eve's apples are invisible."

"Why is Dumbledore in Santa's sleigh?"

"Oh my gosh, it's Justin Bieber! I want to fork you in the face!"

"Oh, Food Games."

girl 1, to me:"If you move to Virginia, I want you to have a bathtub inside."

girl 2: "Yes, we will bless you with an indoor tub."

"I HATE dinosaurs."

"That's not funny. It's HILARIOUS!"

Do I Even Want to Know?

"She's going to tase my booty so it can't shake?"

girl: "What does albeit mean?"

(I start to answer)

boy, interrupting: "It's like, 'Who wants to be narrator?' 'Albeit!' "

boy 1 to boy 2: "You're not Charlie Sheen."

girl, singing: "Little Bunny Doo-doo..."

girl: "It's jolly! Jolly!"

boy, interrupting: "Gotta get down on jolly!"

"I just breathed a little too hard."

"I kind of went goth over the weekend."

"Hello, young fellows! Let's read, let's read!"

"Oh, my cold blood! What will I do?"

girl, to me: "How many quotes do you have?"

me: "A lot."

girl: "It's like, 'This was Language Arts. We got everything done- and then some.' "

"You sound like a foreign antelope."

"I love eating! It's how I survive, in case you didn't know."

(in writing assignment): "I just had to move to the colony after I saw that advertisement. Man, am I a sucker for a good poster."

"What is MySpace?"

What Does Ay Carumba Mean?

"Ay carumba is just a fancy way of saying, 'Hey, that guy stole my car!' "

"She is talking about dwarves digging holes."

"Oh, barnacle blowers!"

"Is your headache affecting your digitals?"

"It smells like... Sprite."

"I think your headache is affecting your oscipital lobe."

(later) "I think your oscipital lobe is still affected."

(sirens outside)

boy comes in to room: "Aw, man!"

boy 2 comes in room: "Comin' for me."

girl 1: "No, for me!"

girl 2: "No, they're coming for the unicorn!"

boy 1: "Female ants do all the work. Male ants watch ant football."

boy 2: "Or ant basketball. They could use their middle legs to hold on to the hoops, and top legs to dunk."

"I just thought of a black cow. And it was awesome."

boy 1 to boy 2: "Look out! It's a snake ninja attack!"

"This lollipop looks like it as a face on it! I don't want to be a cannibal."

boy:"I just realized that the life of Winnie the Pooh must really stink. If he wants to think, he has to go all the way to his thinking spot to think..."

girl: "Isn't it a thinking log?"

boy, not listening to girl: "...And maybe he wants to think in a rainstorm. What does he do then?"

Umm... what?!?

"Would you like my handcuffs?"

"Stephen King has a wife... named Stephanie Queen."

"And if you're feeling down... just whip your hair back and forth."

"I asked three posters, and they were all wrong."

"Also, that's a great way to get arrested."

"Mrs. Johnson, what's your take on aliens?"

"You could use this to stab someone."

"My answer was, 'I take it like a man.' I hope that's okay."

"Every time I think of creative writing, I think of an Indian jumping out of the ground saying, 'I want corn!' "

"Curse your long legs!"

me, responding to a question asked by girl 1: "I won't tell you why, but trust me- it's in your best interests to only write on your study guide."

girl 2: "wink wink."

girl 1: "OHH. nudge nudge. "

boy 1: "bathroom bathroom."

Who are the Spice Girls?

boy: "Mrs. Johnson, who are the Spice Girls?"

me: "A British all-girl pop band from the 90's. They famously, and obnoxiously, wrote 'Tell Me What You Want", and they were all name things like Baby Spice, Scary Spice..."

girl, interrupting: "I'm Pumpkin Spice!"

(later) girl 1, to girl 2: "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! choke you to death."

"A police ran over your mom?"

"I fell in the dumpster because I didn't have any buckets."

girl 1: "Since when do leprechauns ride scooters?"

girl 2: "Since when do leprechauns have cat heads?"

"I need to find the definition for a smiley face. Where do I find that?"

girl 1, loud whispering across the room to girl 2: "I'm going to snuff your candle out!"

"I hate listening to the llamas outside of my house."

"Death is imminent. (She) is GOING to kill you."

girl, to me: "Why would (Madame Curie) open a box with an atomic bomb in it?"

me: "Pandora's box is a myth. And a metaphor."

Sound the alarm!

"The Pentagon has been breached!"

"We've been infiltrated by the Soviet Union!"

boy 1: "What does ghastly mean?"

boy 2: "Um, it runs on diesel?"

boy 1: "I didn't know Voldemort was in our history book!"

boy 2: "She said Baltimore, not Voldemort."

"I have already had four girlfriends."

"To me, there are two kinds of aunts."

girl, to me: "Two years is like a LIFETIME. You could die. I could KILL YOU in those two years. YOU COULD BE DEAD."

"You should make up fake names. Adam and Eve Dinglehopper."

"The force of hands make words come together."

"Why is there fireworks going on in your mouth?"

me, to boy 1: "What are the compound words?"

boy 1: "Abundance."

me to boy 1: " What are the two words that make up that word?"

(no answer)

boy 2: "Actually, there are three. A. Bun. and DANCE!"

"I thought she was going to say, 'Why am I always getting cancer?' "

"Right now, I bet (Steve Jobs) is in Heaven showing God the iPhone 8."

"Why did you throw that sticky note away? It's sad now. It's crying."

"Can we all pay a big- no, moderate amount- of Johnson cash to see the blog?"

"I hope she's not writing a biography about herself."

"When you're sneezing, check to see if your heart stops."

"I'll be your beanie model."

I think I'll pass, but thanks...

girl, to me: "Do you want this? You can use it to stab people."

"Their true colors were RED. It compliments their eyes. Like the guys from Britain. Makes their eyes really pop."

"Curse this stupid beehive!"

"Sorry, she was singing about hot dogs. It's her fault."

"Finses isn't a word, grammar police!"

"I want to own a blowhole."

"Curse the black dumpster!"

"I'm betraying myself as I speak!"

"What's right up my alley? I don't like alleys! They're scary!"

"I know what's up my alley. Death."

girl to boy: "Get your thinker working!"

boy to girl: "Sorry, my thinker was on a break."

"If you turned into a smurf, I would be very sad."

oh really...

"I can juggle milk."

"I balance paper towels too!"

"You've been smurfed!"

"You should have Mrs. Johnson call you Captain Sparkles."

"I have a second life where I am a werewolf."

"I have a second life where I'm me. It's called my main life. I need to get a life. I should buy one."

"Only boys can be police. Girls can be fashion police."

Did you know how smart crows are?

"I have a crow that is my psychiatrist."

boy 1: "Leonadro da Vinci must have had a hard time signing his name onto all of those paintings. It was so long..."

boy 2: "And then he turned into a turtle."

"Hulk Hogan. Who is that?"

"Everyone forgets about decimals. Decimals have feelings, too!"

*singing to himself* "Now, bring us some piggy pudding..."

"Curse your long arms!"

I don't know how we get any work done...

Seriously.

girl to boy: "I make you... whatever those guys who wear the funny jingly hats are."

boy to me: "Mrs. Johnson, you don't have to get feisty."

"CATCH THE PIGGY!"

"I have your piggy. On my head."

"But Pocahontas is a DISNEY movie. Of course they wouldn't put that she was his wife at twelve; it would ruin her rep."

"Are you making her Princess Bunyon?"

"I don't know! I'm not a professional color-lister!"

"This is really old skin though, so it doesn't matter."

me: "What's going on? Are you okay?"

boy: "I don't know, it's just a zombie walk or something."

"My pockets are the void into time and space."

"I don't want to perform surgery on the couch. One, I don't know how. Two, it's yucky down there."

"Well, I pretty much believe whatever people tell me."

boy to me: "Mrs. J, (he) is putting erasers in the end of his pen and shooting them at (him)."

me: *sigh*

boy: "Mrs. J, do you need a hug?"

"Mrs. Johnson, my friend's birthday is the day of Patrick Swayze's death. Also, I don't even know who that is."

"I hope you didn't blow your nose on that."

"Her hair is as red as a fire hydrant. A red one- I've seen some yellow ones, but I don't mean those. Red as a red fire hydrant."

Oh my heavens...

These have been piling up for a few days. Sorry I'm just now getting to it. Enjoy!

"Marky sharpie. Marky sharpie. It's my Marky!"

"It's the LUNCH BOX 360."

"Normal people are just small midgets."

"Did you know an octopus can change genders? I wish I could do that- I would be the greatest secret agent EVER."

"Can I have these? They look like hats for my thumbs."

boy: "There was a peacock outside my window this morning."

(silence)

girl: "Where do you live?"

boy 1: Did you put gel in your hair?"

boy 2: "NO! It's called H! 2! 0!"

"I need a new chair. I'm tired of this invisible one."

"Wait, we have a vocab workbook? I've been missing out!"

"Ra-ooooooo! I have a letter I can uuuuuuuuuuuse!"

"Hey! You both got the finger."

"I'm SANTA! I'm SANTA! I'M SANTA!"

"1, 2, 3, 4- somebody's still next door."

"Bringing your book to class hurts... if you get hit with it."

boy to me: "Hey! How are you?"

me: "I'm good. How are you?"

boy: Good. OOH! A BIRD!"

(boy singing softly to himself) "Haters gonna haaate..."

"You can shake it if you want to, but please, shake it somewhere else."

I can't believe this was all today...

Maybe the best day ever.

Me: "So if you have three tardies for one class, you will be writing an essay for us."

Girl: "Can it be about Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly) ?"

Me: "...any questions?"

Boy: "No, but I know why the Sega Genesis is called that. Because it's the first 16-bit console!"

Me: (nothing. How do you respond to that?)

"If you do it from the back, it's flipping someone off. If you do it from the front, it's not."

Note found it old textbook: Girl 1: "Map Ashley"

Girl 2: "I don't know what that means"

Girl 1: "Neither do I"

"Last year, (he) ate his Bible."

"Mrs. Johnson! Mrs. Johnson! Watch this!" (Tosses lunch box onto floor.) "It looks like that lunch..." (puts sunglasses on and crosses arms) "...just got served."

Girl: "You smashed my Sharpie!"

Me: "Sorry. Did it live?"

Girl: "NO! It died a hard and painful death!!!"

"This is making me cross-eyed."

ALL ABOUT BOOK COVERS...

Boy 1: "I want a blanket made out of this stuff!"

Boy 2: "Yeah, it's perfect for hats."

"These are handcuffs. Stupid handcuffs. Aw, I popped a thread!"

"We should have a stretching ceremony."

"STRETCH-TASTIC!!!!!"

Boy 1:"I have stretch cash in my wallet."

Boy 2: "I have stretch cash in my cousin."

Happy First Day Back!!!!!

First for the year...

I've been sweating out the summer break, sad to have no new posts- but today we're back! Only an evening with parents and kids, and I already have three quotes! This is going to be a gooooood year.

"I know... kids these days drink coffee."

"There were freshman with mustaches! There aren't supposed to be mustaches!"

"Was that really funny? Were you really laughing? Because sometimes my mom laughs... and I'm not that funny."

Ah, the end of the year...

boy 1: "Are there any buff guys I can check out?"

boy 2: "Um... I really don't know."

boy 1: "Did you... just spank me as I walked by?"

boy 2: "It was a friendly pat."

boy 1: "I suggest you not 'friendly pat' too many people."

boy: "Fih-do? Huh?"

girl: "Fie-do. Fido. I JUST said that."

"I'm doing free-time things!"

"Smell my neck!"

"Boogers are lucky."

boy 1: "I get really offensive when you talk about my mom."

boy 2 and me, simultaneously: "You mean offendED?"

boy 1: "I know what I say."

"I dare you to smell the glue. It smells... weird."

"My Snuggie makes me invincible."

"It's Friday, Friday- [he's] locked out on Friday!"

"How do you spell great?"

"I was on a railroad to heaven- then I jumped off."

*The following are ALL from our Bunco tournament. Seriously.*

"That place is like the Las Vegas of tables. It's... the best."

"Crabs don't make noises... do they?"

boy: "I'm getting nothing!"

girl: "Except a big bowl of despair."

"Can I squish it?"

"You lost your BONCO, you turd."

"I have neutral feelings about you. I might play this game on weekends."

"THIS. IS. BUNCO!!!!!" (front kicks desk)

"When I'm not playing Bunco, I am sad. Because... I'm just... emo."

"I'm going to hit you with my nuts!"

boy, talking to dice: "I know I look funny, but you have to look past that, into my heart... because I NEED to roll sixes."

"You know, if you put some eyes on it, you could use it for your Facebook page."



"Don't spank me, it tickles!"



"Oh, I get it... he's making a BRIDGE to Terabithia!"



girl: "Mrs. Johnson, that's not how you spell my middle name."
me: "Really? because traditionally, the way to spell Jo for females is J-O. Sorry about that."
(next day)
girl: "Guess what? I asked my dad, and you were right. I've been spelling my middle name wrong for seven years."

End of the year...

"Even I'm smart in real life. It's not that hard. You just have to not be stupid."



"Did you see that? It's a karate dog!"



Girl: "What is that?"
Me: "Pad Thai."
Girl: "Sweet. Is it Italian?"



Boy 1: "Dude. Why do you guys keep your boxes?"
Boy 2: "Because boxes are where you keep your boxers!"



"You're making ME look smart... and that's bad."



Boy: "Is a veil a dress?"
Girl: "It's a dress for your FACE!"



me: "... so this needs to be done by the end of class. Any questions?"
(long pause)
Boy: "If you could, would you ride on the USS Enterprise?"

ah, the end of the year...

"I didn't think I could suck blood out of my tongue."



"Sometimes I chew on my snake's tail. It's a passion of mine."



"Did you hurt yourself? Try doing that to your TONGUE."



"Snake pieces, sorry."



"We. are. NINJA-TASTIC!"



boy: "Fra-gee-lay... what does that mean?"
(looong pause)
girl: "Are you serious?"



"Does anyone want some moss?"

A backlog- sorry!

Hey all! Sorry it's been a while- I had a bunch written down that I lost (arg!), so I was looking for them... but in the meantime, these happened!




"I'm going to give birth to you so I can marry you at a later date."



"I can't believe it's going to be that much money. I don't have $75 million!"



"Is yourself a jerk?"



"Wouldn't that be a negative 0?"



"That sounded like a Grolar bear sneeze."



"The service here (in the classroom) is unsatisfactory. I'm taking my business elsewhere."



"My brother is just... a rascal."



"Are you going to leave us? Like Nanny McPhee?"



"When I was in 5th grade, I was already of a higher intellect of comedy."



"I don't think little kids can actually comprehend how funny Spongebob is."



(Homework answer) "How David and Solomon are related: Both had wife issues."

This week...

"I declare today National Chicken Day."

"It's legal in Connecticut."

"If I was an Egyptian... I'd have an AK47."

"I have an overhead disease."

"Easy peasy lemon juicy. Pumpkin juice. Pumpkin pie. Right? Pumpkin Pie?"

"If you do something mean, I will disconnect, and not talk to you and not respond to your texts."

"I'd like to donate my body to the cannibals in Peru."

"My brother's a midget. Raised by humans."

"Australia is located in British."

"I've been tickled too many times by these hands."

Last week

Late with this post, sorry!

"Pads aren't just for girls."

"A leotard is like being naked, only with a layer of clothes on."

"I am willing to give you four hugs and a penny if you vacuum for me."

"Your loss. I have rabies."

"I haven't done anything yet! Except punch him in the face..."

"This makes spit fly off of my tongue and into my face."

Bunco Trash Talk

"I have your mom on speed dial." "If you keep singing that song, I'm going to shake you up like a milkshake." "Burritos are things you throw at houses." "I 'Bunc'ed this game up." "I got a Bunco, but they took it from me." "Why?" "They got a Boggle." And today... "I love committing arson. It makes me feel complete. Does that worry you?" "I barted." "How did that go over?" "Not very well. Kind of like drinking nails." (Two minutes later...) "I wanna get acupuncture." "We should get matching tattoos when we're older!" "Um... I just swallowed my tooth."

oh, today...

Boy: "My mom says I can't wear makeup til I'm in High School." "Don't snort salt. But it is easier to snort than it is to eat..." "Do you know I'm allowed to marry my second cousin? Pretty cool, huh."

Good times, right?

Girl: "Alright, my two most important things (for the overnight trip) are here: My eyelash curler, and my lipstick." Boy: "Excuse me. I'm not a lady, I'm a woman." "Did you say my cat looks tasty? Because I will EAT YOU."

Oh, bother.

"I suffer from a disease... called tiredness." Boy:" What was that guy's name again?" Me: "Leonardo di Caprio." Boy: "Yeah. Doesn't he look like Jesse McCartney?" Me: *groan*

Long Time Coming

Some of these are pre- Spring Break, but I'm lagging. Enjoy! "You need to tell them- I need a special kind of soda. From Korea." "I am allergic to knowledge." "I like big books and I cannot lie..." WRITE-IN from fan and MS sub - "I'm only blonde when I straighten my hair." Boy 1:"(In the book) This kid stabs another kid in the back and he spits blood in a girl's face!" Boy 2: "Sounds like what my first date will be like." Girl:"Weiner doesn't start with a backwards L." Boy: "It does if you count the silent part." "I don't have a very imagination mind."

I Spoke Too Soon

Yesterday, I posted during my break- they only had one period left, so no use in waiting, right?

Wrong.

Three more from yesterday- enjoy!


Me:"Class, I have a question."
Boy:"Okay, I didn't mean to kill him... but he just died."



"Ugh. why am I a tortoise?"



"I'm going to dedicate all of my money from the book to the Barrel Role Foundation for Children, because frankly, that's the only foundation I can give me money to."

All Today- How Do I Get Work Done?

All but 3 of these were today, I kid you not.

"I touch whatever I want to touch..."


"I live in a parallel universe!"


"That is bullschnizzle if I've ever heard it."


"I can flex my thighs."


"I've done worse to (her) than that."


"For future reference, you can't take this away because it's not a bandana. It's a wizard's gauntlet."


"This stuff makes me boring."


"Made you look, now you're in the baby book."


"I won't do anything for yu, as long as you let me have a garbage can right now."


"It tastes like Mexico."


"Why do you have ice?
Ice, baby."


"I found a nerf dart in my pencil case. And it's a pencil dart."