I feel old.

"What's a floppy disk?"




boy to girl: "Seriously, my cousin's skin is GOLD. He practically glows."
me: "Um, what? Like an Austin Powers villain?"
boy: "no, more like..."
me: "Ricky Martin?"
boy: "Um... who is that?"




"We're going to write a children's book- Let Me Touch Your Mustache."




"He put it above his mouth and below his nose- two bad places."




boy to girl: "I know you're a girl with a star-spangled heart."




(Random noise)
Me to boy: "Did you have something to add?"
boy: "No, I was just beat-boxing."




"That's gross. That's like Dutch oven gross."




"TO BE OR NOT TO BE... that is all I know. Because I think the rest is boring and haven't paid attention."




"I'm going to burn that water bottle so bad it can't be recycled!"

The finale... for now.

"That's alien-racist."
(talking about space aliens, not immigrants, btw.)




boy 1 to boy 2: "I like looking at your upper body."




"I will flip a nostril's clown if I break something."




"I'll burn you so hard you'll be medium rare."




"I've licked it before."




"I'm going to punch you in the hair."




"(He) left his pants outside."




(5 days later)
"(He left his pants outside again."




"Your ears must really like you."




"Why does that cat look like it's just seen an elephant have an aneurysm?"




"It smelled like a dried up baby."




"You're as red as a potato."

And some more... this is me catching up.

"Mrs. J, I kind of made your baby look like a giraffe."
(For the record, I don't have a baby. It was an art project.)




boy 1 to boy 2: "AHHH! You got it in my EAR!"
boy 3: "Ha! An earful of Sprite."




"But-but-but- I don't wear any pants!"




"What's my first name?"




(over the din, I hear this)
boy 1 to girl 1: "You're pooping?!?"
girl 1: "NO!"
boy 1: "Then WHAT?!?"
(everyone has turned to look by now, room is silent.)
me: "Um... please explain."
girl 1: "I said, if you're an American before you go to the bathroom, and an American after you go to the bathroom, what are you while you're going to the bathroom?"
(everyone is silent)
girl 1: "Eur-o-pean!"

Still catching up...

Apologies- internet was out for like 4 days during spring break. Here are a few more.


boy to class: "Which one of you successful men would like to read the next verse?"




(students have been arguing about whether or not to leave door open. Most are whining that it's too cold, so this boy shouts...) "I am SO HOT with my MAN HEAT!"




"OH MY GOSH, he went to TAKE A PEE! GET OVER IT!"




"Boy, when good people screw up, they screw up BIG TIME."




"I love scissors! They... cut things."




(reading aloud) "Taft headed the Consecutive Branch."




boy 1 to boy 2: "Oh, you wanna be creepy? Two can play at that game!"




boy 1: "Yay, we're homesteaders! We get pitchforks!"
boy 2: "And torches! We're the original angry mob!"




"Uggghhh. It smells like... pretzels... and boys."




"If we're stuck HERE, how will we help Siberian tigers in Africa or something?"




"You stupid piece of cheese!"